WHAT KIND OF WIFE ARE YOU?...take the test

2008-11-26T16:05:00.000-08:00

Yep, I copied my friend Jeanna's idea and here it is. It is just too funny. If you go on over to Swirlgirlspearls site, I think this has some sort of reference to her last blog! I SCORED A 7 - VERY POOR WIFE ...HA!!

As a 1930s wife, I am
Very Poor (Failure)

Take the test!

It's all perspective

2008-11-14T08:51:00.000-08:00

This one goes out to my best friend on the island of Puerto Rico. Don't we all seem to think the drama in our lives is horrible and some days we wonder how we make it through? Well, in my time of complete and utter chaos, Lissette and her family held me up, took me in and gave me a solid foundation to fight back.

Today I got a call and her husband crashed his helecoptor and he is laying in critical condition with multiple broken bones in his body and massive head trauma. She arranged for transport to the best neuroscience institute in the US and prior to boarding the plane he became to unstable for transport. What we would we all do?

For any old and new bloggie friends who may read this. Please put Lissette and her family into your thoughts and prayers. His name is Diego and they have 3 girls, Camille, Katherine and Nicole.

Taken a Breather

2008-11-09T15:02:00.000-08:00

Oh my Gosh! Have I been busy. Started work 2 weeks ago and LOVE it! Although I do have to say that the 5:45 am wake up call has been rough to say the least. I get up. Get myself ready. Get the kids up, feed them, dress them, fix lunches, bundle up and send them off to catch the bus. I then go to work....haven't a lunch break yet.....leave work at 5. Get the kids and am home by 6. Fix dinner, homework, bath, hugs/kisses and bed. THEN, I get to sit down. My appreciation to all the single moms out there has become magnified by about 100. This is going to be a rough road for a bit but I can do this.

Oh, did I forget to mention that my son turned 11 on Wednesday and I turned 40 on Thursday. My son got an xbox 360 for his birthday and I got to serve my passive-aggressive, OCD, Cheshire cat, Jekyll & Hyde spouse, divorce papers! Oh yipppeee, lucky me!. Somehow this is not how I expected to celebrate my 40th birthday. I had a beer and am now over it. I don't have time to wallow in anything right now let alone, self-pity.

I am going to do my bitch and moan session right now because I probably won't have the time on Friday. Here it goes. Friends.....some you THINK are your friends and then life happens and you realize how superficial and shallow (redundancy i know) they are. For instance. I have the plague with the group of "friends" I hung out with on The Rock of Hell. None of them return my calls and I had one today pretend she didn't see me in the store. She was my BEST friend there...I did actually have one call and at least have the balls to tell me she couldn't associate with me for fear of her husband's job. (yes my spouse has a far reach) You see, I was a "tennis club wife" for a while and associated with "those" types. I guess I am back to my roots now. Just a poor worken' kinda folk. Whatever! Then I have friends who appear to be friends but chatter chatter chatter about me all the time....as if I am talk show worthy. I guess it is easier to talk about the perils of bad luck and trouble with other people than to look inward at our own. What the fuck? What they fail to realize is we know some of the same people. So, yes, I know what they say. The judgement that goes on in these cases is just nauseating to me. I can handle it but when it comes to talking about my kids, the fucking line will be drawn! My kids have been through hell this year and my son is still pulling straight A's has been recommended for GATE, is doing great in soccer and is a typical 11 year old boy and my daughter, well she's my daughter and never missed a beat. So for all you nay-sayers out there who have looked down your noses at me and judged the choices I have made, I am doing right by my kids and they are and will be fine. Probably even better as adults then they ever would of been had I stayed. So fuck you, fuck off and go judge someone else!

Been Booo'd!

2008-10-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

Thanks to "absolutelymoms", I've been Boo'd....thanks! Way too busy at work to write but wanted to send the "Boooooey Love"

Mommy, Mommy...Come Quick

2008-10-06T09:50:00.000-07:00

So I do. I bust my ass getting down the stairs thinking she is hurt or stuck in the closet....I run around the corner into the kitchen and collapse into a laughing heep!. To her 5 year old dismay, she begins with the "sad" face. "don't you like it? I worked really hard on it and you're laughing at it." Trying to regroup and gain some composure (still cracking up and talking through clinched jaw to ease her pain) I say "why don't you tell me about your .........laughing hysterically AGAIN, masterpiece." Now I am getting the brow frown. "why are you laughing at me mommy?" I am completely unable to regain my composure and am sitting on the floor laughing so hard, tears are forming. all at the expense of my 5 year old little princess........but here is why

A Penis and its nuts.....right??? Are you all with me? I am thinking, racing in my head why in the world would my daughter be creating a clay model of a dick? Then she says to me "why don't you like my weaner dog? WHAT????????????????? a dog I say? She says "yes, a dog, see." and she turned it around........

Need I say more?

Weekly B&M per jilljillbobill

2008-10-03T18:49:00.000-07:00

Here is my "thing" this week. Why do so many people walk around afraid to express their true political opinions? Why can't people just say "I think McCain or I think Obama just fell off the truck and there is no way in God's name I would vote for them"? Instead we get "well, I feel as though we need change in America and we need to end the war and we need to talk to promote peace. GAWD we all sound like a bunch of beauty pageant contestants vying for a title. Why are so many people afraid to tell it like it is. If you piss someone off and they won't talk to you then they were never that good of a friend to begin with and you are probably better off without them. Seriously, my two best friends and I couldn't have more different political beliefs and we TALK about them and we fight and then agree to disagree. So I would proudly display my McCain/Palin sticker (if I had one) and my two best friends would tamper with my car in some way and then I would get them back for having Obama on theirs. We would all know who did what and vow to get them back worse next time.

B&M #2
What is up with what I call "gym do"s"? You all know the ones I am talking about. The women who "do" their hair and "do" their make-up and "do" what ever they can to look hot when they are glistening and supposedly working out. I don't know about you guys but I fricken sweat. I mean man sweat. I leave puddles and my clothes look like I just went for a swim. No, I am not a "gym do" in any fashion and one day I think I will put my foot out and trip one of them just because I can. I bet their face will still be on the floor even when they are standing because of the plaster they applied prior to coming! I just don't get it........

Looking over my shoulder

2008-10-01T09:22:00.000-07:00

We often hear stories about people who see ghosts or can talk to angels and I am one of those who didn't necessarily believe in all of that but still had a healthy curiosity. I have to say I am now a believer. I have witnessed and have been told way too many stories from close friends to dispute it any longer.

Here it goes........

My great-uncle Bill passed away at age 99 a few years back. He loved my daughter and her spirit. I am driving in the car and stopped at a light near my house. She (age 2) starts giggling and pointing out of the car window saying "funny man". I'm looking around everywhere and quickly get this eerie feeling about me because I am the only car in this normally busy 4-way intersection and not one other sole was around. She kept laughing and pointing. I ask her is he nice? Is he scary? Can you see him? Are you afraid? All she kept doing was laughing and waving out her window telling me that yes, she could see him and he was nice and wearing a hat. (my uncle always wore hats) The light turned green and I took 19 inches of tread off my tires getting the hell out of there. My heart was thumping and as I was driving off she kept waving and turning around to saying "bye bye" and then she looked at me looking at her in the mirror and said "Bill". WOW! I instantly knew it was him.

My father passed away 2 1/2 years ago from cancer. I was with him when he went and that night I drove myself to my mom's house. I began crying hysterically in the car. The weather was bad. The roads were bad. In an instant the entire cab of the truck filled with his smell and gave me a sense of calm unlike anything I've ever felt. Without pause, I stopped crying and got myself together and as soon as that happened, a quick big wind swept through the truck and the smell was gone. Yes, he carried me that night. I had a very difficult time with his passing and over the next few months I always felt that he was with me. I would see images over my shoulder and then there were gone in a flash and then one day when I was OK. I noticed I didn't see them any longer. Well, now that I'm in the midst of this divorce and my spouse did what he did, the images are back and I feel his presence all over my house and around my kids......He carries us now too.

Thank God for small miracles.

Jiggles

2008-09-29T23:09:00.000-07:00

My son has the funniest sense of humor. Even at my expense, I laugh. On the way to school he begins to laugh hysterically. Then to my horror I get it as he begins to jiggle the fat on my triceps. Then my daughter chimes in and says yea, mommy it jiggles just like your butt when you walk. I laugh with them drop them off at school......then it starts. I'm home and I start looking inspecting my triceps with a vengeance. Poking, grabbing, fake waving...all in front of the mirror mind you and then I turn around and do the same with my jiggly butt. " Poking, grabbing but no fake waving..and then I attempt to do that shakey thing that all the black girls do in the videos right? OMG ....SWOOOOSH to the right and then SWOOOOOSH to the left. When I got the ole' cheeks stopped i was laughing so hard I almost peed. Then I began literally talking to myself. "what in the hell are you doing. Have you lost your mind K" Then I shrugged my shoulders, put my clothes back on and chuckled about it the rest of the day?

Why am I sharing this? I have no idea except that I am just so elated that I don't really care all that much for the first time in my life. I'll be 40 in November and it is going to be the best decade of my life. Single with two great kids and some yet to be determined career.......HOOOOOORAH!

Returning LOSER

2008-09-29T22:59:00.000-07:00

Well that is what I think the damn website should say. OK, for anyone remotely interested in why I am looking for a job, please read the very first post I ever did and that will explain everything. You see, I have been living this cushy little life the last few years but it all be over now sistas!

So I am sending out my resume (the 4th version of it) to more jobs than I care to admit. Many of the higher end jobs require that I register on their company website. So I do and then there IT is. That little tiny icon, taunting me, almost laughing, I swear it is. Yep, "returning users" Well What the F*#!? They really should just cut to the chase and call a spade a spade. You see, they really should say. Hey shortbuser, we haven't called you yet which should clearly indicate that we have no use for your sorry ass but please, by all means, click the "returning user" icon and apply to another job WE WONT GIVE YOU.....You see, it should say "returning loser" because I go to these site every day and look for newly posted jobs.....

Oh hell

2008-09-11T22:33:00.000-07:00

Oh, yes my chitlens are going to be soooooooo proud of their momma. When they come home they are going to have a new TV to watch. (had a 5K TOSHIBA plasma that is toast after 4 years) NOTE AGAIN A TOSHIBA TOSHIBA TOSHIBA TOSHIBA....really pissed at them. Anyway, I say to myself no problem, you can hook this thing up. You've done this a million times. WHAT THE HELL! Red cable here, yellow cable there, green cable here, blue cable there, coaxle cable here, thingamabingy that looks like a pc usb goes there but only if I have a video up coverter whatzamacallit that I can plug into the HDSTL.......I mean really, does that stand for "HARD DAMN SITE TO LOCATE"? OK, the clouds in my head are thickening and I am starting to get reallllllllllly mad. So, like any normal person would do I get out both manuals. One for the cable box and the one for the TV. Are they helpful? Hell no. One tells me to put the blue cable in the video out but only if I have a yellow cable in the audio in and an S video feed....OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN....again I say "what the hell"? I"m ripping cables out and literally shoving them in every single slot and nothing. So, yes I do it, I call customer service and after 45 minutes on hold and a really nice guy on the other end of the phone who didn't even laugh when the first thing he told me to do was to TURN THE CABLE BOX ON and all is now good.

CHECK OUT MY TROUT!!!

2008-09-10T09:22:00.000-07:00

5 3/4 lbs.

Oh yes, I am one BAD ASS FISHING FOOL.......Off the shore, orange power bait...biggest fish of the day caught by anyone.....That's right men, bow to the queen. I am the masta.

In case anyone would like lessons, I am setting up a website and developing an instructional video on the proper techniques of trout fishing. Seriously thinking about going on the tournament circuit........( did I forget to mention it was my first time fishing and I nearly peed myself with excitement trying to reel it in?)

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrific....weekend....part 2

2008-09-09T09:20:00.000-07:00

As if Saturday wasn't enough. 6:30am hits on Sunday morning and I'm up again. My mom always tells me I need to have my head examined......oh please don't tell me she's right. Moms can never be right.....right? Anyway, Making lunches, getting sunscreen, packing up the truck, fixing breakfast................For the love of God...............WHERE IS MY COFFEE.................... Barely functioning, I stumble back up the stair to wake the "boys". "Time to get" up in my nicest absolutely forced tone of voice I could muster...........still don't have my coffee. Maybe a nice stiff drink would serve me better this morning....WAIT WAIT WAIT.......I get to go back to bed. The "boys" are going. They have to get up ....BAAAAWAAAAAHAAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAA. So, I peek my head in one more time. Yo, get up, you gotta go.

Yep, this is what we got up at the crack of dawn for..........PAINTBALL. Just the mention of it sends my son into some world of smack talk and actions that defy logic but he is 10.....wait his dad is 41 so is this right? Nevertheless, they love love love it.

This is what he comes home with and loves every minute of it.

Weekend over............

Blurrrrrrrrrrrrrific....weekend

2008-09-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

She's in the middle and ready to kick some booty

Blue Cheetah Soccer Rules

9:15 am
Water break

OK Kennedy,when you see the fast one coming at you I want you to throw your foot out there and take her out! Make daddy proud.

Oh and let me mention that I had five little girls staring at me like Bambi. I was "Snack Mom". I look at them and instantly look to their parents who are also looking at me with "the LOOK". I am going, Oh Store High In Transit! So I give the look of shock to them and say "oh was I supposed to have a mid-game snack too? DUH! Yes, I was the winner or should I say weaner. Had no mid-game snack. But I WILL NOT forget it next time. Especially since the mother of "my daughter plays club league" (she's 5, big F'n deal) get over your bad self already, made her suggestions on what I should bring next time. She has no idea how close she came to being the "my daughter plays club" mother without her two front teeth"...MEOWWWWWWW

Oh Yea, just try and get it by me. I've got the stance!!
9:36am

It was the cutest thing. Kennedy didn't know which end was up but she sure knew enough to protect the goal. At one point she through herself in front the goal to stop a ball from going in. That's my girl. OOOOPS, Gotta run....off to Disney

12:40pm

Yep, that is right folkes. See what time it is? We are now at Disneyland eating lunch in the Blue Bayou Restaurant and as you can see, I had no time for a shower so I have hat hair.

ARRRRRRRRGH MATE!!

Could they be any cuter?

Call me stupid but does anyone see a pattern here? Little 10 year old is gettn' some testerone in the ole blood. Oh yea baby you strong. He is a great kid. I am a lucky mom.

Wouldn't it be great if we could really lock out kids up like this?
Oh CRAP, my friends can't see me sitting in Minnie's chair. Mom, stop! Aint funny, you better delete it! ............Sorry babe, you are just not that big yet.

After years of Disney going and hours of waiting, I (i mean we) finally did it. I met (i mean we met) MICKEY MOUSE!

7:30PM

Many of you may know how crazy it gets at Disney and sometimes we think we just may lose it. Well, sadly enough, we did and this is what happened to my children.

9:59 pm ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Gramanaise

2008-09-03T19:58:00.000-07:00

Gramanaise - term my kids came up with for their crazy grandmother because she eats so much mayonaise it oooooozes off her food....GROSS!!

Slawbage - term my kids came up with for cole slaw that their grandmother made. She literally put cabbage and carrotts into a blender and pureed them to nothing and served it as slaw...YUM!

"So is walking" Gramanaise is persistent in her thoughts that my kids don't eat well so she makes all this shit that no one can eat because its horrible but healthy and then tells my kids to eat it because "its good fo you" (she uses baby talk a lot) Well, my son got tired of this and finally replied "so is walking"................side note.............gramanaise is about 100lbs over weight but claims she is healthy as a horse. I about died!

OK, here goes the whole name issue with her.

She requested intially to be called "Mimi". I was like, uhhh, OK, were you a former house maid in the south during the 1800's? I wanted to give her a red bandana..THEN she wanted to be called "Gramma Suzy". I was OK with this one since her name is Suzanne and it actually made sense. THEN she wanted to be called "Suzy Q". Great another member of the Hostess cupcake family. Thank God Twinky was taken. THEN she wanted to be called Virginia Gram (she moved to Virginia in the middle of night but that is another story) Great a fricken member of the Keebler elves now......Thank the holy heavens above she finally settled on one. We now call her .....drum roll please......Grandma Ginny. Oh yes, her name is Suzanne and it makes no sense except that she lives in Virginia but for the love of God we have a name! I just want to know what the hell happened to the simplified version of grandma?

The woman used a diaper bag for a purse at my wedding so what should I expect?

Kinder Babble

2008-09-02T22:24:00.000-07:00

OMG, my children keep me laughing. I was sitting here thinking about all the great things in my life and how laughter keeps it real for me and these are the things I thought of.

My 5 year old daughter

"mommy, when you put notes in my lunch, I have to have the postcard read them"
Translation - school guard

"Mommy, I have sea creatures coming out of my nose again"
Translation - secretions (Her psycho crazy nitwit of a grandmother can't manage to say boogers or snot or any other normal word we use so my family has secretions)

"Mommy, I don't like driving to Grandma Ford's house (my mom and the best gram ever)...of course..anyway...."the roads up to her house make me sick and I need to take my grammabean"
Translation - Drammamine....need I say more

These are just some of my favorites!!

Here's the scoop

2008-09-02T21:54:00.001-07:00

For the about 5 of you who wanted to know why I changed my blog name and address. Here is why. There are people who I know longer wish to have easy access to it and now they would have to be very creative to find me. Although, I am changing it again. Only my blog name though. I have kept trying to come up with a creative and fitting title and kept bombing out but the new one I have come up with totally fits and when I change it, it will stay. You will see why. Oh, and for some reason the only search engine that is finding my blog right now is Yahoo....I have no idea as to why but it is what it is.

Nicknames like K-girl, Ha and Horton: Why Ask Why???

2008-09-02T20:50:00.000-07:00

Nicknames like K-girl, Ha and Horton: Why Ask Why???

Why Ask Why???

2008-09-02T20:40:00.000-07:00

I keep asking myself every day why. Why is this woman driving 15mph in a 30mph zone when I am late going somewhere? Why, because the woman doesn't give a shit that I am late anymore than I would her. Why do people think that when we ask "how are you", that we truly want to know ALL the details? (God forbid you ask an elderly person because then you hear all about their bowels) I know, this sounds cruel but CHEESE & RICE (code for Jesus Christ because I simply can not let those words come out of my mouth for fear of being struck by lightening or a car) I have to give props to the writers of the Wedding Crashers for that one.

The fact of the matter is, is that if you don't want a question answered, then DON'T FREAKING ask it. So, I revert back to my title.....Why ask Why? (because that is what we do)

School Days

2008-09-01T07:49:00.000-07:00

Yep, it is official....I'm old. My youngest is in Kindergarden and my oldest in 5th. This is the only time in their lives they will go to the same school. At least they get one year and Colton is so good with her. First one to drive her crazy but also the first one to come to her rescue. Kennedy was so very excited to go to school and make new friends. This is what she tells me:

"Mommy, do all of the kids here speak English"

"Yes, Kennedy, they do but there is a chance that you may have someone who speaks Spanish in your class. Just think, you will be able to talk to them"

"I have spoken Spanish long enough and don't want to"

"Well, you may have to help them, so be prepared.".............She then begins to giggle and says to me. "that is cool, we can talk about the teacher and she won't know what we are saying"

tooo funny!!

Colton is having a rehash of 1st grade. Same kids he had back then. He doesn't like any of them but to my salvation and his, there are about 15 more kids in the class so he has more to choose from. Also to our luck two of the main ones were moved to another class so all should be good.

2008-08-31T09:21:00.000-07:00

OK, so we are back in California and the kids are loving it! The first week we were here I think I actually saw Colton for maybe 8 hours. He was so happy to be with his friends again. I knew he would be. Kennedy is also delighted to have girls her age next door, across the street and up the hill. They are literally everywhere.

We are in the midst of unpacking boxes of the items that were stored in Irvine. I forgot I had half of this stuff and quickly came to realization that I also don't need half of it. (Why do we keep the crap we do)

Still sending my resume out like some frantic dog looking for shelter during fireworks. I am even applying to jobs I know I will hate but it is easier to look when you have dinero coming in. I had some recruiter send me my resume back telling me he corrected a typo....FREAKING IDIOT....he obviously has no clue about the medical industry and the correct, latin way of spelling ORTHOPAEDICS. His spellcheck probably highlighted it and his 25 year old brain didn't know the difference. I kindly replied and thanked him and then did the "by the way, you spelled Thousand Oaks wrong in your advertisement for the job" he he he....just had to do it but he did spell it wrong. I don't think I will be hearing from him anymore.

Ciao for now!

Paintball Hell

2008-08-14T12:14:00.000-07:00

OMG!! Have any of you went paintballing? My son talked me into it last Saturday and I had a BLAST!!! It was so much fun. Never mind the scorching 101 degree temperature and the fact that I had to wear long pants, long sleeves, a hooded sweatshirt, face mask and helmet and carry around a 10lb gun. Yep, you guessed, going again on Saturday. I only got shot twice but they were doozies...is that a word? All of you ladies out there that think it is for boys and their dads, Think AGAIN! I got some pretty decent shots in on some people.

On Saturday nite, I went to the BioBay. It was fantastic. We kayaked through 2 miles of mangroves into the bay where the water illuminated with movement. Totally awesome experience. There are only 5 in the world but only 3 currently in good condition because of all the crap we are doing to our environment......very sad. Kennedy said she like it because she felt like a ninja, sneaking through the trees. Colton, of course, stayed right behind the guides kayak and talked his ear off the entire time. The guide loved it though. My son is a wealth of knowledge.

Get this! Our tenants move out of the house and the family room wood floor needs an entire replacement because of the damage they did. They also didn't pay the last 10 days of rent and are all miffed because I told them once I received the repair estimate, that they owe us money and they would not be receiving their deposit back. They are now claiming "normal wear and tear" even though the flooring company says NO WAY.....stupid people even took my central vacuum attachments....WTF?????

Also in the midst of getting Marc's stupid attorney to file the right papers to remove the ban on me taking the kids off the island so I don't get arrested on Sunday...fun fun. At least the packers/movers showed up and did what they were supposed to do. Just hope the stuff gets there in one piece and in a timely fashion. 3 weeks to 3 months is what we are told. Trying to refi the house because of a really long story but because of the market, our loan to value isn't quite right and makes the interest rate one we can't afford. Trying to create a resume and find a job so we can afford to pay our bills......Does it ever end????

Turning Points

2008-08-07T12:20:00.000-07:00

OK OK OK.......for those of you who have been telling me to continue this blog, here it goes. I do have to say though, it is very therapeutic on many levels.

Life takes all sorts of turns and twists and many of us will sit back and judge those in the midst of the chaos and have opinions and ideas as to the "hows, whys, what should be done"....you all know what I am talking about. I admit it. I have one of "those" people before and will try my very hardest to NOT be one of those people again. Why? It is because I absolutely can not believe the people who have taken it upon themselves to pass judgement on me and my situation. Not only is it not fair but it truly is not any of anyones business. To their defense though, I have given a fairly open dialogue about the last few months to maybe let opinions be formed. Anyway, I consider myself a much more compassionate and tolerant person for all of my drama.

I moved my things from my mom's house to Thousand Oaks over the weekend then caught the red-eye to "The Rock of Hell". It was so good to see my kids. I have missed them more than I can express. They are truly the best kids ever....(no biased opinion at all here) Moving back into the house will be nice. Returning to this island has only proven for me that it has never and will never be a place I call home.

Well......my children are calling so need to go but will continue filling all of you in just as soon as I can.....

Well....

2008-06-12T14:23:00.000-07:00

I"m going home. I am leaving on Monday and might return for a short stay but I am leaving Monday for California. I am moving back into our Thousand Oaks house in August with the kids starting the new school year at Madrona. We have been talking and "communicating" well and have come up with a fair agreement. It is just too bad he spent $40k to come full circle and fix it ourselves......anger is truly the root of all evil and nothing good ever comes of it. Many of you have wrote inquiring about what is going on so this is it in a nutshell. I will keep all posted but for now I say thanks to all who prayed and wished our family well. I could not have done it without you and YOU all know who you are.

Love to all!!!

Total strangers

2008-05-29T11:19:00.000-07:00

have come to my rescue....literally. I am completely humbled by the random acts of kindness of total strangers. A newly found friend put the word out to her friends yesterday that she had a friend in need. Without any of them knowing me and simply trusting her, they have all donated money to help me. Words can not even begin to express my eternal gratitude and appreciation. Thank you isn't enough.

Am I deserving of this? I think so and here is why: The only thing I can think of is that it is the giving I have done in my life. I am one of those who gives $20 to the man/woman on the street. I buy food for their dog and have stopped and asked their stories. Many of us tend to judge their reasons for being on the street. Their stories have been interesting, sad, self-induced destruction and then.......there are people just like me. They had a lot and some odd chain of events turned their life upside down. Some may think I being dramatic here but seriously, think about it. I have no home to live in. I have no job (can't really get one that would support me here because of the "no hablo espanol' problem. which in turn translates into, "I HAVE NO MONEY". So without any of the above, I ask one question........

Would I be any different than the people we refuse to look at every day that come to the windows of our cars or we see sleeping on the park bench if I didn't have the friends I do?

Wednesday's Child is full of WHOAAAAAAA.....

2008-05-28T13:15:00.000-07:00

That is surely what I feel like doing....just putting on the brakes and making the merry-go-round STOP!!! This has to be undoubtedly the most craziest thing I have ever had happen to me. (and I was born on a Wednesday)

So my lawyer calls me and is requesting all sorts of info that I can't go into because "HA" is probably reading this and I can't disclose my top secret info here......whatever.....anyway, she starts asking me all this stuff and I go "uhhh, you have that already...uhhhh, you have that already too...uhhhh....finally, I say "look, I'll get it all together for you again because at $180/hour I can't afford to have her shuffling through papers for shit she already has....UGH!!! I feel like Lucy from the Peanuts gang.

To date, here are some of the things I find humerous: Did you know that I am sooooo obsessed with my looks that I frequently put my life at risk having multiple cosmetic procedures done by unlicensed doctors. My mom abuses my kids (that was a fan favorite of hers too) I don't know how my siblings and I made it all these years with all the "abuse" we were subjected to. I have stolen $15k (that is also why I am borrowing $$ to buy food....makes sense to me)

Hi ho
Hi ho
its off to court we go......it really isn't funny and I don't want to do it but the alternative is to lose my kids and that is one thing that is not negotiable for me. I will die fighting for them!

Happy Anniversary

2008-05-27T17:30:00.000-07:00

Yep, that is right. Today is my 13th wedding anniversary. It is also the day my dear friend Sara's mother passed away from breast cancer 2 years ago. My point here is that any day can be filled with joy or sorrow depending on what side of the fence you are standing on that day. For myself, I think this day will probably forever represent something along the lines of sorrow, regrets, new futures and mistakes.....all sorts of emotions. I have no doubt that ever year it will represent something different to me and I long for the day that it can pass me by without me ever knowing or caring.

Last night I tried to be brave and go out with some ladies I know. End of the year thing and sort of a "last hurrah" for all the families getting sent back to the states. So, I go and about 45 minutes into it have the worst panic attack EVER......needless to say, I went home vowing to never show my face again out of utter embarrassment. But then I said "oh, what the hell"...love me or leave me. Seriously though, people just don't know what to say to me. I have no doubt they see the look of anguish on my face and just freeze. I don't know that I would be any different.

This roller coaster of emotions is getting tiresome. I thought that "HA" (that would be my soon to be "ex" and I"ll explain the name if anyone cares to ask....it is rather funny) and I had come to agreement. Not great for either one of us but it put us living back in California raising the kids together. I was ready to have my attorney draw it up and "oops there goes another rubber tree, oops there goes another rubber tree......yep, you guessed it. HA no longer thinks it is a good idea. I GIVE UP!! Off to court we go on July 1st to let them settle the fate of our children. The thing I clearly do not get is that all I keep hearing is that "we need to act in the best interest of the kids"....hellllooooooo McFly........that is what we are doing by trying to settle this and not subject them to all the court issued psycho evals. But what the hell do I know.

I went into a lovely little boutique that I used to buy clothing in and today only looked. I was invited to go the Beach Club but that would of cost me $45 so I respectfully declined. I would LOVE to be playing tennis right now but the court fees are $15.......so I run instead.....it is free. I have been humbled to the point of feeling ashamed for my current situation. Not quite sure if this a normal feeling but that is what is going on. I haven't even been thrown a bone so to speak by "HA" in terms of cash. My good friend gave me money so I could buy food for them (my kids) to come and stay with me....how freaking pathetic is this?

"will work for food" that's my sign!!

Good Days:Bad Days

2008-05-23T17:17:00.000-07:00

We all have them. You know the ones I am talking about. You open your eyes for the first time that morning and you simply know that the day will not be a good one. Today was one of those for me. I could feel the heaviness of my problems weighing greatly on me today. Aren't all of our problems relative though? Seriously, I don't have "dumb ass" cancer like my friend Wendy. (you'd have to read her blog to understand) I get up every morning on my own. My kids are healthy. I am not wondering where my next meal will come from. (well, not yet anyway...haha) I know you get my meaning. Things could be much worse for me but now, for today, I am allowing myself to have my own pity party! I am not sure what good will come of it but I am having it nonetheless!

So hear I sit with tears flowing down my face for no other reason except life's most current turn of events. I am not quite sure what the tears will get me except dry eyes but I can't seem to turn them off tonight......

incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result. Also known as irony. If my situation is not the epitome of this, I don't know what is. Seriously, who out there saw this coming? If you did, be smart and keep quite or I will hunt you down for not telling me! I distinctly remember asking The Man upstairs why my father contracted prostate cancer and why he went through so much pain and why such a good man was given so many crosses to bare. I remember watching him lying there in so much pain all he could do was grimace. He never complained nor did he ever ask "why me"? Instead he would muster up a smile or some wise ass remark to make the rest of somber idiots laugh. I remember him throwing Kennedy up in the air and catching her 2 days after surgery and loving every minute of it. Why am I rambling about this? It is because for the first time I realize a reason why my dad endured with grace what many of us could not. It was to show possibly only me, the value of perseverance and strength during the worst of times. I learned a great deal about those two things watching him fight the cancer. There are other things that were purposeful of his illness but they had nothing to do with me.

I wonder if later in life if I will look back at my time on the "ROH" and find any good or happy thoughts? The dark cloud that lingers over this place for me is thick with disdain. It represents such a dark time in my life. My father died. My marriage crumbled the rest of the way down it's rocky path and my kids were taken from me......these are the thoughts I take with me tonight...hopefully tomorrow will be a brighter day but I guess that choice is mine. Is it really true that we "choose" to be happy or sad? Somehow I don't think I buy that one.

Sense & Nonsense

2008-05-21T04:30:00.000-07:00

Well, here I sit yet again, thinking about the turn of events in my life. I wonder if this is what is meant when all the " well-doers" tell you the infamous phrase "that which does not kill you only makes you stronger".....bla bla bla. I think I may seriously slug ( actually fist punch) the next person who utters those words of encouragement.......OK, well maybe not that extreme but if that statement is true, I am mo&&*r f*c%$8n Hercules!! There was one point I actually thought I was dying and probably in some dark place in my mind wished I was. The undescribable pain of learning that you will be arrested and thrown in jail for simply taking your kids off a rock of hell and that it was all initiated by someone you "trust" ( I use that term loosely, but I did trust him with the kids) So there I sat on a plane for 10+ hours back to California with my life in complete upheaval and uncertainty, comforted by strangers.

That is the one thing that has been uplifting in this non-sensical (is that a word) snippet in my life.........the ability of complete strangers to carry us in times of hardship. Two women held me as I sobbed uncontrollably on the plane taking off from San Juan. I begged the flight attendants to stop and let me off but I lost that battle too. I remained on the plane with my life being ripped from my view of reality and surrounded by strangers. Some of which looked at me with sorrow. Some with curiosity. Some with irritation and those with compassion didn't just look, they held me. Me, someone who meant nothing to them but at that moment my needs appeared to mean everything to them. The same thing happened again on the 2nd leg of my flight. I was seated next to a woman whose bag read "we will carry the burden of others" A scripture quote from Genisis. Half way through the flight she asked me if she could pray for me. (could have been because I was crying ....oh...for about..... THE ENTIRE FLIGHT)! The kindness didn't stop with the plane ride back to California. I called some friends to talk to in an attempt to have some clarity on the recent turn of events. Those who know me also know that it is extremely difficult for me to ask for help. I am forever indebted to those of you who have carried me emotionally. Many who read this may not know that I was left with $100 to fend for myself. That is what 13 years of marriage will get ya......ONE HUNDRED BUCKS!! (for now anyway) For all you mathematicians out there, that is about $7.69 per year worth of "love". If I am being honest, I do need to tell you that I did end up with a little bit more but it is gone now. Had to give it to the attorney along with the borrowed money. With that tid-bit of information that rest will make more sense. My friends offered me credit cards to purchase a plane ticket back to "the rock of hell" (which I will now refer to as ROH) they offered me money to live on, a place to stay. Many spent their days trying to find me legal help. Others cried with me in utter disbelief. Some just listened and offered condolences. Some have given me thousands of dollars for legal fees and a place to stay. Some of these friends I have known only for a short time and some I have known for over 35 years. I also have the friends who mean well but can't get involved for reasons I appreciate and understand. I do have to admit however, that a few have sorely disappointed me. These were friends who I thought would be wise and insightful and they have proven to be distant and clearly not who I currently can turn to for strength. I must say I have a new found appreciation for what my father told me of friendship. He always told me that your friends come out when you need them. He said you may not hear from them for a while but your true friends will always be there to hold you up when you least expect it and when you are needing them the most. I always knew he was wise. I am just sorry I had to find out this way.

Have you every wondered what you would do if your life was turned upside down? Have you thought about what you would do if you had to start over? Have you ever even considered that the life you are living could be a summation of lies and scewed perception? Have all you moms out there ever imagined that your little rays of light, your kids, could be taken from you without cause? Could you ever imagine it being necessary to petition the courts to see your kids on Mother's Day because your spouse filed federal kidnapping accusations against you? All of this collectively or all of this separately..............I never even considered it.

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